Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
