I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
