The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
