i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
