Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
