My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
