last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
