Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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