I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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