At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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