I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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