why didn't you poke me back
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
