i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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