I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
