Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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