i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
