Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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