I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
