the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
