I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
