What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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