I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
