erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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