I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
