Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
