found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
