dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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