She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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