my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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