I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
