I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
