It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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