You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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