he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize