you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
His hands were made for my vagina.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
