Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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