True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
