no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
