my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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