I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
