don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
