How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
