the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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