Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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