Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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