one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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