At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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