Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
