1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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