Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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