if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
