Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
