you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
