She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
