she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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