Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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