Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
