I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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