I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
