I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
