trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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