Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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