i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
