Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
