guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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