You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
